Are Rats Animals?

Enacted in 1966, The Animal Welfare Act was intended to regulate and outline the minimum acceptable care standards for research animals. This is an important read for rats because when they aren’t griming up the alleyways, they’re usually giving scientists a hand in the laboratory. Of course, rats can’t read and that’s probably a good thing because the Animal Welfare Act would really piss them off. It regulates the handling of cats, guinea pigs, hamsters, rabbits and marine mammals, outlines exercise requirements for dogs, promotes the psychological well-being of nonhuman primates, but it doesn’t consider the rat to be an animal at all. From the Code of Federal Regulations, Title 9 - Animals and Animal Products:

Animal means any live or dead dog, cat, nonhuman primate, guinea pig, hamster, rabbit, or any other warmblooded animal, which is being used, or is intended for use for research, teaching, testing, experimentation, or exhibition purposes, or as a pet. This term excludes: Birds, rats of the genus Rattus and mice of the genus Mus bred for use in research…

The United States Department of agriculture has taken it upon themselves to reorganize thousands of years of alpha taxonomy by excluding rats from the animal kingdom. Birds too? Still, in the spirit of progression through science, we’ve compiled a list of eight great ways to off everyone’s favorite research animal (it’s not like Avon douses warbler eyes with “Minuette Cotillion”).

1. Bop it on the head with a graduated cylinder
2. Crucifixtion
3. Lysol and a lighter: The scientific method
4. Bore it to death with a lecture about the periodic table
5. Fuck their guts out
6. Double blind survey it
7. Cook it and eat it: This recipe is adapted from the Larousse Gastronomique
   -1 large black rat
   -1/2 cup olive oil
   -3 shallots
   Skin and eviscerate the rat, brush with a mixture of olive oil and crushed shallots. Grill over a fire of broken wine barrels.
8. The Old Standard: Swing it by it’s tail and huck it against the wall