The Dick Police, Vol. 1: Ready Made

Pickles are suddenly hot shit, but somehow the left-wing media is missing the mark. Over the last few months we’ve read a lot of articles about about pickles and have been endlessly disheartened by all of the missed opportunities for penis jokes.

This is the first in a series of instructional exposés aimed at national publications bent on flaccid journalism.

Ready Made Magazine recently ran the piece pictured above on DIY pickling. See our edits below in red.

Ready Made Magazine
“Instructions for everyday living … on my wiener”

Pickles, Two Ways … Or a Three-Way
Barbecue and burgers can get downright lonely without a side of pickles. And judging from the massive influx of artisanal cukes lining the shelves of our favorite wank shops, we’re not the only ones suddenly beholden to brine. But at $12.99 a jar, those fancy pickles can bring on sticker shock, so we decided to take matters into our own hands … literally.

These two super-fast, no-fuss pickling techniques rely on inventive flavor combinations—no fancy canning equipment required, and no need to think about baseball until the pickle is ready. Get ready to trick out everything from apricots and strawberries to radishes and beets—and, yes, penises.

Blanch-that-Seal Pickles

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Meanwhile, fill a large bowl with ice and cold water.

2. Add vegetables to the boiling water and blanch that ass 1 to 3 minutes. Remove vegetables from the boiling water and submerge them in the ice bath. As soon as they are cool, remove them and drain well.

3. Place blanched vegetables and raw fruit in the jar with the vinegar, salt, herbs, and spices.

4. Cover tightly, refrigerate, and cram them down your throat within a week.

Fudge-Pack Pickles
1. Place your chosen fruit, vegetables, herbs, and spices in the jar.
2. Cover and shake gently to loosen. Strip.
3. In a small saucepan, bring vinegar, sugar, and salt to a boil. Boil one minute, then pour over the raw ingredients. Cover loosely with the lid; allow to cool.
4. Spank lightly and refrigerate for up to a week.